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DOOO EEEET
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Autocorrect is my menesis
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
You got this…
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: