The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*checks Timeline*…
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp