Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Name this drama.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans