wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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Meow
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes