Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
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ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*