Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: