[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
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4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
get you a girl who
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.