me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
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[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.