Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
this is so top tier i cant
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!