Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!