If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 馃槶
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I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Happy Friday
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I can鈥檛 get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Dad: Nobody thinks you鈥檙e funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I鈥檓 funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Me if I was a dog