Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
You Might Also Like
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.