Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
i spent way too long on this
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this