I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
🤣🤣
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
had to make it
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks