I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
You Might Also Like
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”