“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
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You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.