me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Lmao the reply