Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
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lmao
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.