“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.