Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
You Might Also Like
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Oh my God.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Hero horse inspires millions
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer