Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.