John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Become ungovernable.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I found your tweet-up…
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
beware of dog
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same