Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago