We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
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wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.