WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Accurate
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!