My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.