I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.