People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.