If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
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every college guy’s fridge
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill