[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
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EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.