Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
This is enough internet for the day.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
This is always good for a laugh.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The old gods are rising again.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.