What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]