[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
If only.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
*jazz hands*
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.