Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract