Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!