Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.