I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
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Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.