“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Practicing safe sax
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Potatoes were such a good idea
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.