“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Buck naked
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?