I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.