me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Banderslack Clamberdorch
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Schrödinger’s Dumpster