How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.