I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔