[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
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me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
step 6: release the wall snake