Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Love is always patient and kind.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.