A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
The options really are this bad
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.