I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
You Might Also Like
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Worst perfume name ever.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea