Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again