Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.