Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
goldfish mafia
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
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